From The 'Suicides etc' Folder
by eruthiel
Summary: A brief selection of the more unusual entries in the Ankh-Morpork City Watch folder, 'Suicides and Other Unpleasant Things'. Apparently stolen from the lockers of Nightwatch HQ, though they deny any knowledge of the list.


**W**HAT FOLLOWS IS A SMALL SELECTION OF SOME OF THE MORE INTERESTING CASES FROM THE **C**ITY **W**ATCH FOLDER: _SUICIDES ETC_. **C**OMPILED BY LANCE-CONSTABLE **E**RUTHIEL.

**Disclaimer: All characters and stuff belongs to Terry Pratchett. bursts into tears (I know some of these are physically impossible on the Disc, but it's amazing what a few months in Ankh-Morpork can do to a sane mind. Plus: is Reg a constable or a Corporal? Wikipedia hasn't made up its mind yet.)**

**Another disclaimer: As they did their original victims, all of the following are guaranteed to either get you stabbed, shot, maimed, mangled, arrested, injured, eaten alive, stung to death by a pit full of scorpions, disfigured, drowned, suffocated, choked, sternly told off, pulverised or, if you live in the US, pulverized.**

Buy everything Mr Dibbler has to offer and eat it in two minutes flat

Go for a walk in the Palace gardens, blindfolded

Yell "Stupid troll!" very loudly in the Cavern

Go up to a dwarf and offer it a lollipop

Let yourself be detained

Walk into the Pink PussyCat club and scream "Perverts!"

Fill Commander Vimes up with alcohol and hand him some dynamite

Try to trip up a vampire

Follow a zombie around going "Dead-guy, dead-guy!"

Walk into the Assassin's Guild and say, "Oh dear, I appear to have arrived at the Seamstress' Guild by mistake!"

Attempt to flirt with one Miss Dearheart

Go into UU's Library and holler "MONKEY!"

Walk into the Shades without at least eighteen concealed weapons

Spray with de-odorant the words 'Werewolves stink' (this one took Fred and Nobby some time to work out until Angua explained)

Send a hundred nicotine patches to UU with a signed note

Become Chairman of the Guild of Assassins (we're still working on whether this really counts or not)

Go to Mrs Cake's and call everyone you meet a weirdo

Find a small, grey dog which answers to the name of Gaspode and put it in your mouth

Take Corporal Nobbs into an armoury and pull faces at him

Stand very still on the river Ankh and wait to drown (or at least suffocate)

Make 'inappropriate advances' on a troll

Attempt to introduce prohibition

Tell Mr Fizz of the _Times _that you don't think he is being ridiculous enough

Remark that you have two left feet, in the presence of a bored Igor

Pretend to start choking while standing directly in front of a golem who has heard of the Heimlich Manoeuvre, but has never actually seen it performed before

Announce that the Temperance League has been abolished and Black Ribbons are no longer valid

Start a fire in the UU Library

Attempt to convert the Library into a children's adventure playground

/_Sadly, this suicide has been censored. All I am at liberty to disclose is that a rather boisterous group of youths had decided to set off some fireworks and failed to notice the 'Here Be Dragons' sign when selecting a location./_

Convert to Nugganism and go around the city pointing out abominations in the eyes of Ye All-Powerful Nuggan (IE: everything)

Go and dig up the four thousand giant golems that just happen to be the basis of our currency

Combine the work of the Alchemist's and the Fool's Guilds (the effect, seen from a distance, is spectacular – custard everywhere)

Walk down the street, stop before a citizen rather larger than yourself and yell, "Wow! It's Offler the Crocodile God!"

Try to use Sergeant Colon as a trampoline

Stand on top of a tall building during a thunderstorm wearing wet metal clothes (_Har, har – Commander Vimes_)

Try to scratch your initials on the luggage of a wizard known as Rincewind

Walk around the city acting out the children's book '_Where's My Cow?' _with actions

Set off to explore the UU Library armed with a toothpick

Try arrest everyone who will not convert to Nugganism for heresy

Demand to see Lord Vetinari urgently. If and when you are allowed to enter, challenge him to a game of tic-tic-toe

Enrol some trolls in ballet lessons

Attempt to give a dwarf a piggy-back ride

Run around screaming that the entire city is overrun by Things from the Dungeon Dimensions

Follow a Mr Teatime around, continually miss-pronouncing his name

Perform the Rite of AshkEnte, then try to play xylophone on Death's ribcage

Go surf-boarding on the Ankh

Join the Assassin's Guild school and turn up for all your lessons in pink

Try to assassinate Commander Vimes

Take away the in-tray belonging to the manager of the Royal Bank

Hold an egg-juggling competition in the Fool's Guild Hall of Faces

Walk into the Gambler's Guild and say "If you kill me, there is a 30 chance that the universe will implode"

Wonder aloud what it is like to breast-feed a baby vampire

Find an Igor looking for spare parts, fall on the floor and hold your breath

Attend a Band With Rocks In concert and replace a rock from the troll's kit with your head

Walk into a dwarf's home and start using his tools

Follow Captain Carrot around, teasing him about his name (take it from me)

Insist on calling the Commander 'Your Grace' all the time

Give Lord Vetinari's carriage a more 'interesting' colour scheme

Find something designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson and use it for its original purpose

When you meet Death, throw cats at him

Stand in front of Mr Dibbler, listing his failures

Suggest a full re-enactment of the Battle of Koom Valley

Have yourself burnt on a pyre of cabbage-flavoured stamps

Stand under a clacks tower in _very _bad weather conditions

Ask one of those odd little monks in orange to fully explain the theory of time-travel and your head will probably explode

Try to drink from the river (for this you may require a knife and fork)

Steal the Bursar's dried frog pills

Go into UU and demand taxes (please bear this in mind, Mr Lipwig)

Perform in the Mended Drum

Suggest a heavy-weight pole-dancing championship

Give Mr Stibbons' thinking machine a really good, hard kick

Climb onto the rooftop and wait for an assassin to come along. Get mud on their clothes

Build a big machine with spikes and cogs and things and jump in the top (one of the more obscure cases, but interesting none the less)

Somehow get yourself invited to a posh dinner party and loudly complain about what a lot of snobs there are

Form your own city, just outside the walls, and declare war on Ankh-Morpork

Go along to a law court and when Mr Slant appears (as he infallibly will), heckle him

Tread on Mr Chrysoprase's foot

Set fire to a large building and stick your head out of a top-floor window, screaming, "Oh, if only some halfway-decent person would rescue me from certain death!"

Take the entire Watch in for Electric Aversion Therapy

Tell Corporal Shoe to get a life

Hold 'National Pigtail Day – Participation Compulsory' (some of the others actually fell for that)

Spread the rumour that you large intestine is made of gold

Start a riot at about 6pm


End file.
